So many of our dear friends keep asking us, “So, what have you been up to for the past year?” or “Who precisely are you again?” that we decided to give you this Holiday Update from the whole Thompson Clan!

First, as some of you must already know, our house continues to be moved by parties unknown. Almost every time we return from the grocery store or the podiatrist, or the bikini waxer, the house is just a few inches away from where it was when we left. As you can imagine, this is frustrating in the extreme, especially considering our possibly ill-considered habit of keeping raw eggs under the porch.

Claire’s big news this year was her new car. She bought a ’98 Honda Incendiary. It’s equipped with all the extras, including self-locking doors, horizontal windshield wipers, and rear tire defrosters. She insists that it’s a real dream to drive, but the car is also a bit on the bossy side. Under its influence, Claire has taken to writing threatening letters to every dairy in the county. She also feels compelled to sing its favorite song, “Edelweiss,” over and over and over. In fact, if she stops, the car administers a nasty shock! But the Incendiary has its upside, too – the insurance premiums are virtually nil, since this is the only car on the market that takes personal revenge for any accident.

Frank is currently happy as a pig in slop, working on the hit TV series, “Happy as a Pig in Slop.” His collection of skin tags has been the subject of three national articles, and his insistence on keeping his pockets filled with mayonnaise finally paid off recently when a local Burger King botched his order. He’s currently completing his tenth book. And he intends to read another one after that! And he paid Morey Amsterdam good money for that joke.

Our oldest son Melissa continues to be taunted and beaten at school, often by his guidance counselor. His senior thesis, in which he explained in clinical detail why he has two arms but three armpits, received a disappointing grade; in fact, it was the first “G” in academic history. After reading it, scholastic scouts from Harvard, Yale, Brown and Radcliffe taunted and beat him mercilessly. In his spare time, Melissa stalks the Pep Squad.

The twins continue to flourish. Abraham Rabinowitz O’Herlihy Shaheeb Thompson made a big hit at his school’s annual Pageant O’ Unappetizing Food. He won an award for his Head Cheese costume. The award was later revoked when it was learned that he was simply wearing his street clothes and some mousse that had turned. His sister Jingles still loves playing her favorite game, “Got yer nose!” Fortunately, she has learned to put the noses in the freezer, meaning that most of them can be surgically reattached with little or no scarring.

To sum up, the entire Thompson family continues to face the New Year with a kind of gnawing apprehension, much as we ourselves are regarded at the local Jiffy Lube. So from some of us, to most of you – HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!