Okay, this isn’t, strictly speaking, a Holiday Greeting but I thought it sort of fit in with the rest of my messages of hope and head cheese. I was emailed this Christmas questionnaire and tried to answer as honestly as I could. I think you’ll agree that it reveals some of the inner workings of that Thompson we call Frank. No matter what time of year you read this, I think it will put you in a warm holiday mood.
 

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?  Neither. I prefer pimento loaf.
 

2. Real tree or artificial?  Well, an artificial tree is easier to hang entrails on (it’s an old Thompson tradition) but a real tree is more likely to be infested with ticks. So it’s a toss-up. 
 

3. When do you put up the tree?  The day after Christmas
 

4. When do you take the tree down?  The day before Christmas
 

5. Do you like eggnog?  Yes. But only if it’s made with snake eggs.
 

6. Favorite gift received as a child?  An action figure — Captain Appendectomy!
 

7. Do you have a nativity scene?  We don’t, but the cult compound next door has one populated entirely by kidnapped Koreans. It’s festive.
 

8. Hardest person to buy for?  I find it hard to buy for anybody. My psychologist tells me that’s classic sociopathic behavior. I set fire to his guest house.
 

9. Easiest person to buy for?  Me. I want everything. Literally everything. And I’ll be miserable until I get it.
 

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?  My grandmother enrolled me in the Manure o’ the Month Club. But that wasn’t the worst gift. No, that happened the month when they made a mistake at the shipping office and sent me a crate of raisins instead. I really hate raisins. I always feel like they’re mocking me. But they’re the ones that should be mocked! With their wrinkled skin!
  
11. Mail or email Christmas cards?  I like one and Claire likes the other, so we compromise. We write real cards and then shove them into the computer and hit send. I hope everybody got theirs.
  
12. Favorite Christmas movie?  “Santa’s Nasty Hos” (1976). Of course, I also enjoy “It’s a Wonderful Canker” (1939),  “The Hairiest Elf” (1953) and the heartwarming “Christmas is the Best Day In December Unless Possibly You Have a Birthday During That Month, Which Would Blow Because You Probably Get Fewer Presents” (1968).
 

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?  I start shopping on the fifteenth day of a month I invented, Brucetober.
 
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?  No, but I once recycled my cousin Jimbo when he thought he was being all funny and gave me a frilly dress for Christmas. Sure, I wore it. But you’re allowed to experiment when you’re 14. It’s normal. Anyway, I didn’t so much recycle Jimbo as I just buried him in the compost heap. He eventually got out. Or he was eventually found by an emergency crew. I can’t remember exactly, But I know it was the Best Christmas Ever!
  
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?  Swan.
 

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?  Neither. We put enormous bug zappers all over the fence and the roof and then enjoy the splendor as possum after possum walks into them, giving off a spectacular shower of sparks. Sometimes we sing. And call us old-fashioned, but we keep a huge Christmas tree in our yard year-round, decorated with hoboes.
 

17. Favorite Christmas song? ”Santa’s Rotting (In Our Chimney).” It’s impossible not to sing along with that one. We also enjoy “Scurrying Toward Bethlehem,” “Rudolph Has Hep-C,” and “Hip Deep in Nog.” 
 

18. Travel for Christmas or stay home?  Depends on whether we’re on the lam or have gone to the mattresses. Either way, it’s a miraculous time of year. 
 

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes I can: Tubby, Randy, Uncle Andre, Little Whiffer, The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock, Ringo, Barry, and Lt. Brian Cullin, USMC.
 

20. Angel on the treetop or a star?   I like an angel on top of a star. And I could so easily make a dirty joke here, but I won’t. Because I run a classy questionnaire. I do it for the kids.
 

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?  Either way makes me nervous. See, my dad needed a kidney transplant and rarely did a Christmas go by when he didn’t try to plunge a scalpel into my stomach while shouting, “Time for Daddy’s present!” So, the whole “present opening” thing makes me pretty nervous. Unless I’m getting DVDs. Man, I love them DVDs.
  
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?  Gosh all hemlock, I just hate it when drunken girl scouts break into our house late at night and spread oatmeal and cold giblets all over our staircase. It’s really annoying. Why do they do it? It makes no sense! We’ve done nothing to them!
  
23. What I love most about Christmas?  Sitting around the Yule log, roasting voles. Receiving festive restraining orders from various celebrities. Shooting at drifters with my new BB gun. And of course, protecting our country’s liberties by waterboarding suspicious characters with wassail.